last night

Had a long conversation with husband last night about things most in their 20's think--
What is the point of my existance? Why am I alive and what is it I am supposed to do? And in particular, what am I supposed to do in WV? Harold is still the only reason I am here. He doesn't know the meaning of life either or what its all about and to top it off--he has no faith in a being greater than us pulling the strings.

Now, I know my life is good. Sun is shining today. I have a good marriage, a nice home, a good job and possibility of another good job--you didn't think I'd get to be gleefully unemployed did you--Nik is doing well, Helena is pure joy, Lily an angel, the Girls Ellie and Emily enjoying normal everyday life, I have some great long time friends, I have some wonderful just new friendships, I have a God today and relationships with most all of my family.

I still feel like I should be doing some great thing, some act that will affect lives positively, enrich the world somehow. How grandiose that sounds now that I've typed it out. I guess this one foot in front of the other is somewhat boring.

This is really all Leslie's fault for telling me her son is asking these questions. How does one answer the existential why am I here why do I exist questions? John lost 3 cousins in 18 months, Justin having died in October. He is so young and his grief must be so surprising. I can easily see why he would ask questions of himself and his life. But how come I can't find the answers at 50---ummm 50 something? I don't have the energy I used to like I did at 19 when I passed out info and got signatures to ban nuclear energy. I can't think of a great task I can accomplish and small tasks don't seem to satisfy my soul. So what is it for me to do now? Maybe you know...