an early Monday morning

Not enuff sleep. Been on & off awake since 3am. Its not good for me to lie around awake thinking of all the things I should of said and oh no all the things I shouldn't have. I am so damn hard on myself and therefore on others too.

There was no party cause of the snow. So I got more one on one time with Nik, Melanie and Helena. Helena and I played and played and played all day & nite Saturday. I paid the price with my arm yesterday. It was well worth that price.

I saw Nik & Melanie re-live my life with my ex. Gosh what is so clear now wasn't then. I blamed Brad for everything. He couldn't live up to my ideals of how he should fold the laundry much less how to love me. I must have been tough. I still am.

I want to fix Nik's life, his grief, his anger. I can't fix anything. Geez, he won't even really talk to me. Everytime I get close to him and start talking, he gets up and moves away. Not ready and maybe not ready to hear it from me. I can't change her either. She is so much me, she thinks she's right and has all the answers. I didn't see my part when I was in it. I do now and I sure hurt.

And yet they are both doing so many right things and being so young. A house, jobs, a beautiful child, enuff to eat, family who loves and supports them and their efforts, they have entertainment and so much more. But no one taught me to be grateful until I got to the rooms and even then and ok sometimes now, I still have a tough time seeing anything more than the shit. Will the shit ever just be shit and not warm and comfortable and me stop wanting to go there?

Lying awake I tried to see the positives, tried to be grateful. I go tup here with no problems, traffic or delays. I had enuff $ to get here. I have a place to stay at the Shiner motel. I got a place to park even here in the city everytime I need one. I never had to clean off my car or dig myself out, Nik & Chuck did that for me. The snow didn't stop me from seeing my family. I did have a whole weekend of just family. And yes, KC is family to me. Being with KC has always been like going home. I am blessed.

But none of my blessings stop my son from being dead or having that affect me and Nik and those we love. God I hurt.

Drive back to WV today. But first a cup or tea and wait for the house to wake up. Get on my knees, get out of the drama, mine and theirs. Maybe theres some vegan breakfast foods left. That was the best cinnamon roll I think I ever had.

Life is good. I can find a way to enjoy my today, knowing I am powerless over people places and things. I am not powerless over what comes out of my mouth nor my behavior. So--no more pity pot, Go be an example. Practice whatcha preach Chris!!