last night

So we went to Harold's barbershop chorus banquet last night. I could do lots of complaining about the place and the food but its only once a year. Some of the people are nice and he really enjoys singing. I enjoy hearing them sing. So theres the positive--the songs and all those smiling men.

So a woman, whose outsides I already judged myself by, came over to the table and was showing off pics of her grandchildren. I need to learn how to carry pics of Helena & Lily and do that showing off thing. I asked if that was her daughter in the pic and she went into her story of grief and her daughter who died just a few months ago. I mentioned my son died just over a year ago. And now I judged my insides too.

I have resentment. I have anger. I have such a deep sadness. Not toward or about the woman but for the socially unacceptable disease my son died from. Her daughter died from a respectable cancer. She was able to take care of her daughter in her dying . My son's disease robbed me of time with him as well as all the other things I lost when I lost him to his disease. I hate alcoholism, drug addiction and all the ism's that Lonny and I picked up that kept him from me for so long and now has killed him.

I was able to share some pain with her but I could not share why he died or stories of sharing his dying time with her or the other woman at my table. Its been my experience that few outside of the recovery rooms see addicts as persons, but rather as something less than human and I hurt so bad that I find myself still hiding some of the truth sometimes. And it was a social and supposedly happy occassion for our menfolk.

Lonny had a disease, he was not a disease. I loved and love him so. I hate this grief. I want my son back.

Its been a hard day to try to focus here in the office. Tomorrow I go on the road for the day. Maybe I can focus on the road. Sounds like a title for a novel. Going to the bathroom to dry tears and blow my nose again.