its been over a week now

Its taken so long to get back into my routines and rituals after vacation. I really would prefer to stay on a vacation forever. No worries.

Vacation went very well actually. ALl those personalities but no fighting or bickering. That is new and unusual for where I come from. Everyone kinda did their own thing we watched the babies a lot and I got on the beach as much as I wanted. I did a lot of dishes but didn't cook as often as I anticipated. Wore fewer clothes than I took along as well.

Been corresponding with a long time friend of Lonny's who is in jail in CT for selling pot. Says she's learned her lesson. Why does it have to be death or jail for a bottom for so many? I want answers about so many things. Like why do sponsees stop just short of the 4th and 5th Step? What is it about me that continues to do things the hard work way instead of the softer easier way like so many others. Why did MY son have to die? Why can't I protect my ohter son and my grandchildren or anyone else from this damn dreaded disease? Why why why
Not good place to go. Intellectual answers not working for me today. And gotta go to work to exercise old ladies who make me smile.

5th of July

This is either serenity or depression. Not sure.
Feel empty. No highs no lows.
Lonny's what would have been 29th birthday is coming up.
Might be the cause of this.
Might not.
Might be serenity. Not sure I'd know serenity if it hit me in the face.

4th of July

A quiet start to today. Its nearly 10 and I am still in my pajamas/

Lately its been haunting me what this life what living is all about. I mean what is the point really? No, I'm not suicidal. But if no one really remembers me after I'm gone then what is the point? And then if someone or someones do remember us then what happens after they die? And I've been reading Emmet FOx who believes in reincarnation. Do I believe? Have I only made up for myself what I've seen and heard of the spirit world after Lonny's death? Hmmmm Do I want to continue this line? Nope, guess I'll shower, putter here at home a bit, go to institutional meeting, go for a bike ride, watch fireworks later tonite and see if anything happens in between

Enjoy your 4th

Friday thank God it is

Its cloudy and not very warm. A great day tooooo SHOP! Heading to the big city of Pittsburgh to the Strip and then the outlets in Washington PA or maybe do it the other way around. Hmmm. Then food won't sit in a hot car.

Last time we were at the strip I saw a wonderful recylced from plastic soda bottles rug to use on the front porch. I couldn't talk DM into it then but I pressed the issue after we returned home and hopefull it will still be there today so we can pick it up.

Thursday July 3rd

It is almost with reluctance that I've come back here to write. Mostly because life seems so mundane and there is little to write about. Don't want to whine and complain. And I wonder if anyone really cares to read any of the babble I write. But then there I go again into the nobody loves or cares when I know thats not close to the truth but an old tape that crops up again and again and againa and...

So I guess I'll start with some grate full ness.

1 to be out of work at noon
2 Mexicn lunch
3 this afternoon smiled and joked with a few strangers (one of my al anon sisters suggested cultivating friends--its been so long since I really tried for friendship
4 long slow lazy afernoon of reading a book--a novel, not self help
5 Maggie getting to San Antonio so far safely with her newborn daughter
6 discovered my next grandchild will be a boy
7 a meeting tonite. Not my favorite meeting but at least there is a meeting. 2 weeks ago I was in a small town deep in WV and no one showed up for the al anon meeting so I went in to the open aa instead.
8 I am not irritable and discontented--and as a matter of fact I am on the mend from whatever that virus was Helena broght to the beach with her
9God is in my life and I am in His Hands
10 This is one of the best hair and tan days this week

Onto look at Pittsburgh weather for tomorrow. Darling man would prefer to go tothe big city tomorrow instead of July 4th to avoid crowds. Whereas I would prefer to go o the city and celebrate in a bigger way than this small town will. I can be such a bitch sometimes. But it looks like rain tomorrow and I might get my way. I would like to get my way.

finally found my way

Its been so long that I forgot how to get in here to post.
Hopefully I'll write it down correctly now and be back this weekend.
Thanks johno for the nudge

on a Sunday afternoon

Lazy afternoon.

It was great to have the kids here--stepdaughters, son in law and granddaughter. Some drama with the ex wife--but that seemed to be ok today when we saw her.

I seem to not have much to write about these days. Got fired by 2 sponsees this last week. Oh well. Staying in that it is not about me. And I am still in and working this program. All I can do. Not worth putting energy in the whys or why nots. It just is. Some people want to change and some just want to be in it until it gets too hard looking in the mirror. I've sure wanted to quit when its gotten hard to look at myself. Happy I haven't quit. Won't quit. It keeps saving my life and my sanity.