spirit lags on Monday afternoon

Damn am I sleepy. Have much to do but unable to do much. Was away since Wednesday. First to Martinsburg to visit then to Rehoboth. Too few full nights sleep. Didn't eat too badly. Oh who cares. Wonder why I continue to come here from time to time?

Spoke to sponsor this morning. Often think I'm doing pretty well and then I get her take on what I said and did. This time it was putting down competition for Miles attention with Pop Pop, DIL's Dad. There is no competing with PopPop. So I stopped. Gave attention to Helena and after PopPop left I got lots of Miles attention. Problem is I do envy PopPop and wish I could make Miles light up when he sees me. So now I'll be praying for their relationship to grow and be more wonderful instead of praying for something for myself.

Wish I could work. Wish I could get papers started. Starting is always the hard part.

Went into fantasy about how things might have been--if I hadn't been such a wreck in teen years. Doing what I can to stay in the abundance I do have instead of the lack and what don't have. Funny, just had thought that if I'd gotten married to first love I might be on marriage #4 now. I just don't seem to do marriage well.
This hubby really does love and cherish me. Now you would think this would make me extra happy but where do I go? I go to what a fool he must be to love a loser like me. Time to stop before spirl down any further. Havnt thought this way for awhile.

Ahh, soul tired.