a true perspective

Just had a phone conversation with a woman I sponsor whose son is 15, smoking cigarettes and pot. She wants to nip it in the bud. In spite of years of attending Alanon, she wants to control the disease. I keep reimding her that it is a disease and she can't control it or cure it. But I too went around for years and years with knowledge of the disease concept but could not for the life of me put it into practice for the longest itme. My battle cry was "BUt this is my son! You don't understand---this is my son." I'm so grateful to have gotten it and been able to put into practice what so many before me learned. I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. Not only was I able to accept Lonny for Lonny but I was able to have a relationship with him despite his disease. No, it was not the relationship I wanted to have with him. But I had the relationship with him that he and his disease could allow.

I remember when I first not only got it but put it into practice-- like the one where we were all waiting for Lonny to show up at KC's house. Everyone else was there, we were waiting for him to arrive. He was hours late--others in the party were impatient, questioning why, where, when, and... When Lon arrived finally--four hours late--- I did not greet him with where were you, didn't you know we were waiting for you, how could you do this to me, why did it take you so long, if you cared about me you would have been here 4 hours ago...

I finally got it that I could not rely on someone who was unreliable to be reliable. It didn't matter that he was late, for me it was enuff that he wanted to be there and he got there. His disease got in the way of everything good in his life. It was always first and we were always last and none of that was his choice nor could he control that. His disease was not about me, anot a reflection on me or on his love for me. It was his disease that crippled him and I didn't want to add to his guilt or remorse of that pain inside him. I did not want to alienate him or not show up at all the next time---

When he showed up that day, I hugged him, told him I was so glad to see him and thanked him for making the effort. I loved him up as much as he would allow and contained the joy and the pain loving him in his disease brought me. I remember that day so clearly. It was the start of a new way of communicating with him and I am so grateful to have found it.

Does his death taint the way I make suggestions to others about their chiildren caught up int he disease? You betcha! Do I have all the answers, all the right answers? No sir! Do I have a clean and clear heart and mind when it comes to my son and our relationship---well...I still have many regrets but mostly I am so grateful to have had a relationship with him until the day he died. Not everyone in his life or that loved him can say that. Lonny did not talk to his father for the last year of his life.

Lonny did not die unwanted or unloved and I understand he was not alone. I have grieved long and deep for my son. This is the month of the year I last saw him alive. It was 2 years ago at his cousins funeral. He met Helena for the first time afterwards at Chuck & Leslie's house. I did not know it would be the last time I would see him alive. The next 6 months were hell because I could not reach him by phone after July and had to wait for him to call me. His PO Box closed and the cards and boxes I'd filled for hima nd sent were returned to me in Sept. I did not know that last time I spoke with him in Oct would be the last time. But I sure am grateful I had a program that taught me to tell him I loved him, ask few questions and hope that when he said he's see me for Thanksgiving that I could hope it would be true. I hoped until there was no hope.

In church yesterday the minister mentioned choosing to live. In the last few months I can see that even tho I thought I might have to die, I have chosen to live. I don't know quite why or how I made that decision. And unfortunately it doesn't mean that I have chosen to not bitch, moan or complain but I am alive. Hopefully I will be able to be of service to someone else when they have to make a choice to live or die because they have been affected by someone else's disease.

Thanks for being here, your love & support.