sensitive

I am fragile feeling last night and this morning.

So do you know I never mentioned to my brothers and sisters that I was heading to NC? Then I try to defend it--I didn't know it would be a mini reunion. They wouldn't go along anyway... Bottom line is I did not invite them or just plain give them the info.

It seems particularly difficult to keep up with a large family who is a distance from one another. Another point I found difficult was holding family secrets. Both sides, my Mom's and Dad's were affected by this disease. Gosh the dysfunction is so noticeable.

Then theres the part where my aunt and uncle have been divorced for a long long time and he still not only invited her and us to meet in his home and put us all up for 2 or more nights but he was very kind to her. My aunt on the other hand was so very negative, cranky and defensive. I sure do get examples of how I want to be and how I don't want to be.

I do hope its not another 20 or more years before I get to see my cousins again but for me it is a wonder how I can stay in touch when my focus is so today. I am so homesick to see my granddaughter and son. Taking this weekend to go to NC took my time away from seeing them.

And yes, being in NC and all the time holding inside the awareness of how Lonny loved NC and lived and died there weighed heavily even when I did desperately try to go ahead be aware,accept and then take contrary action to be light and bright it seems to have taken a toll on my soul and I am feeling very sensitive today. Exhausted too. I want to curl up in a ball and hide. But work and new sponsees are calling me forth into the day. DM went on a bikeride with his friend so he will be gone most of the day. I am grateful to be able to take it slow and easy today.
I am dressed for the gym when I can get away and Tonite I can get to a meeting. I will work on work and try to focus on the minutes not the future or the past. All I really have is today.