About Lonny

It was a year ago this month that I saw my son alive for the very last time. My twenty-four year old son has been dead now for six months: his life was snuffed out by a disease that wants to take the best from us all. For seven years I watched, hoped and waited for the miracle that would bring him to recovery. I prayed to, talked with and railed at my God to make it happen. It did happen, but only briefly.
I spent much of his life fearful that he might die. Whenever I thought of his demise, I was certain I would have to die too. I didn’t believe I would be able to stay alive if the worst ever happened. The worst has happened. He really is gone. I will never be able to see or touch him ever again. No more phone calls and hear his voice. I have been living a mother’s worst nightmare for six long months. My son is dead and gone because of alcoholism, his disease.
I came to Al-Anon when he was just fifteen. My own program of recovery gave me the opportunity and privilege of having the best possible relationship I could have with a child active in the disease. With the help of strong sponsorship, I learned not only how to love him unconditionally, but I also took actions that would show him that love.
I hurt because he is gone. I am angry I could not control or cure his disease. I am scared that this same disease could affect my granddaughter some day. I am heartbroken that this disease wreaks havoc in so many lives. My feelings are just feelings and today I allow myself to feel them. What has changed for me due to this program is that I am able to feel them instead of avoiding, running, stuffing or acting them out.
I cry, I share, I talk it out. I even laugh sometimes. I can also feel love, joy and comfort because I was able to have the gift of his childhood, his early teens and yes, even his love. Often I wanted his love and his life to be something different but this program of recovery teaches me acceptance without judgment and every day he was alive was a beautiful gift given to me by God.
A longtime AA member passed on a bit of wisdom that I cling to today for it gives me such hope. He said, “No death in this disease goes unnoticed.” My son’s death will affect others lives and someone may be sober today and possibly tomorrow because my son died and I might get the chance to help others, family members affected by this disease.
Some time has passed. I see the ripples now of sobriety, love and compassion all around me and I myself have more compassion and love for those affected by this deadly disease than I ever had before. Somehow life goes on—without him—but life goes on.