A Thursday

Yesterday he would have been 25 had he remained alive.
It was a quiet day. A celebration mixed with shadows of grief and some dread. But it was HIS birthday and not about me. Tried to not feel sorry for myself but grateful for the gift of his life.
I have so many sweet memories and I have such heartache. I loved him so much but I'm not sure I loved him well. And that I do regret. I couldn't have saved him from himself, no one could. No one did. He is gone, not forgotten. He did not die unloved and unwanted like my Dad did. Altho today I can see that it was not the best I could have given him, I gave him the best I had. It would never have been enuff to overcome addiction and I continue to remind myself that I did not cause his addiction(s).

Still there are regrets. I wish there was more knowledge of addictions and less ways to enable. I wish there was a manual on how to raise a child differently than how I was raised so I could have been more whole as a person and as a parent. My siblings and I have had such holes in our souls. Some of us do still.

I regret my contributions to his disease and demise. I know they are some. And I know that I did not have the tools to do anything differently than I have done. I loved him the best I could and he loved me the best he could. From the first time he asked me to let go of his hand at age 2 on a Main Street Slatington sidewalk until the corner please Mom until his death, I have let go with so much fear and trepidation but let go I did. If I had held on more tightly, would things be different today? I'll never know.

Lonny had his own path just as Nik has his, Brad his and I have mine. We meshed and melded for some time together. And for some time apart. Dysfunctional from the start and dysfunctional in some of the endings and some dysfuntional still.

I hurt today. I hurt yesterday. I expect to hurt tomorrow and for a long long time to come. Death of a child is not something to ever get over. I don't try to. I am trying to learn how to live with the horror of never seeing him again. And even then I feel somewhat reassured that someday I shall, but I don't fully know what that means. I just trust that I will.

I lived thru yesterday. I'll live thru today and maybe even tomorrow. Someday my heart will stop screaming for him, just like the screaming died down after some time for my Grandma. I don't know the plan for any of us. My magic wand never did work and my crystal ball always failed. So even Queen that I am, I have to live moment to moment with the rest of the mortals. Doing the best that we can.