birthdays

My word from my sponsor for my Alanon birthday is self love.
So where have I gone this last how many days? Self loathing, self pity, self yuck
and where do I need to be? Yup, loving me.

I seem to have this awful ability to not like where I am, to think its prettier healthier somehow better over there where I think I should be instead of where I am. Its my disease, my distorted thinking.

We had a wonderful Capricorn party. It was fun for all. My Mom called me on my birthday. She talked about her, she asked me about my siblings, her other children and neglected to tell me she loves me. Oh poor me. KC called me, that was a bright spot. I called Nik. That was nice till I let myself think that maybe he really would have Helena call me. I got presents! The card from my darling husband said all the right things. So tell me how did I go to self pity so easily? God this is hard work sometimes. I love how Pam puts it---the title to her blog--she says sobriety is exhausting--- so is this emtional sobriety I strive for--it can be exhausting.

But talking to my sponsor this morning and hearing her say--wait a minute, you had a party?!?! I had to smile at what I do and where I go---what a distorted perception I can have of a day. I had a husband once who used to tell me I could fuck up a wet dream---I know today what he means without blaming him for making me that way.

So yes, we had a party. We had fun. I got totally wiped out then the next day but it was worth the price. I don't ahve to be a part of the glum lot. I can find the joy in this recovery process. My life may not look today like I would like it to look. Oh well, this too shall pass. Who knows what the gifts of today may lead to. Onto the adventure of today--