one of those nights

I'm having one of those can't sleep nights where I'm sure everything I did with my kids was wrong and I've screwed up with sponsees and I'm lower than dirt I should have done something when he she they were in so much pain but all I could do was what I did cause I didn't ahve any tools or know how or why or when or or

One of those sleepless nights where if I was just good enuff strong enuff smart enuff thin enuff or who knows but I gave them much better than I ever had it they never got beat and hey always hadd enuff to eat nice clothes expensive toys and more and more but I could not give them a household that wasn't affected by my reactions to their Dad's drinking I swore I would never have kids so they wouldn't have to suffer and they did suffer were in pain crying and I couldn't help I didn't have it in me to give them what I didn't have to give to them

And now what do I have to give anyone anywhere no one really wants what I have I have so little to give I try and I try to do it better than before but I'm scared and I hurt and I an afraid I am afraid I will never be enuff

so I cry a little sigh a whole lot toss and turn and sorrow and sleep will be here tonite but morning will bring another day another attempt to do this thing life more rightly but I'm scared I can't and that it whatever it is will never happen for me and I'm scared of too many things too many times and I don't know if I can really really let it all go and be just ok no matter what no matter who

all I want to do is sleep without remorse but it can't happen I do regret the past can't change the past can't change my now either all this emotion stuck in my throat in my chest I want to scream I want to live I want him to live I want things I cannot have today or tomorrow

Acceptance is a key I lack at the moment I pray I listen No forgiveness can fill the hole in my soul I know I did my best It was not good enuff

I'll regret writing this tomorrow I should delete I won't I have ahole in my soul nothing in this night can fill nothing will they tell me its a God sized hole Where is God tonite?