home for a Monday
Heading to the Charleston tomorrow for three days of a conference. Participating and presenting. So today is a catch up and get packin' again day. Got my feet in my program first thing with prayer on knees, reading ODAT and God Calling, talking to a sponsee and my sponsor. I love when I can be in routine. And yes I love chaos too. But today is not chaos and I am grateful.
The wedding was so well put together, went smoothly and it was grand fun for so many. I made a little friend with a 13 year old in the most lovely hippe type dress. She gave me a macrame necklace. And you should see KC's gardens, oh they are to envy, wish I'd thought of pics of 'em but I was concentrating on people so KC and Jesse would have pics from the brunch.
I wanted Lonny and Nik with me at the wedding but I wanted the clean and sober boys with me. They aren't that. Were'nt, whatever. I again found myself wanting what I can not, do not have. A happy family. We were not. I loved them oh God I loved and love them but love is not enuff is never enuff to keep anyone clean or sober no matter how much love no matter how much control or any of the other tricks I tried over the years.
Helena is a bright bright child. She is also unwittingly a child caught in the disease and there is nothing I can do about it. I watch her Mother making some of the same mistakes I did and I can't carry a message to her-- she believes what she believes, that she can control his drinking, drugging and/or cigs. I wish I could get thru to her, that she could benefit by what I know now that I didn't know then but I can't. I don't try. In the meantime I see how I took away my ex's dignity in little and big ways and got in the middle of his relationship with his children. All I can have today is a relationship with Nik, his wife, Helena and with God and I have HOPE. And maybe an example. When I am spiritually fit I believe I'm an ok example. I don't do as well on the road keeping fit as I do sitting in my own house without the disease about me.
Reconnecting with so much family shows me once again the meaning of the family disease.
I need a meeting and will get to one tonite. I did a good job on my Traditions and only have a little writing on one part to finish up. I am so very grateful to be in a better place today then I was before I had this sponsor.
But I wish oh I wish I didn't judge peoples outsides by my outsides. I felt like and looked less of a hick. So many lovely people in light summery dresses-- I can't seem to find my way fashion wise and oh baby am I a tough critic of me. I prefer hippie... not grandma-ish.
Back to focus on work to accomplish, lunch to eat, life today, in this moment to live. Enjoy your today
posted by Mama Dukes @ 11:07 AM
2 Comments:
I have so much I'd like to say...but really it's just a "feeling" I'd like to give you, not really words.
We all stumbled thru our lives with whatever tools we had at the time. I look back at my life and wonder how could I have not seen this or that. I think we all do that....sweet Christine.
Lonny was a handsome young man, wasn't he?
I think you are absolutely "right on" when you say that "she believes what she believes". Lots of times...we really do know better than the younger ones....but we all learn the hard way....all of us, even Helenas Mother.
Seeing old family members is soooo tough...the memories just come flooding in. Please keep writting about all this.
AND OH.....my fashion sense SUCKS..I have to call my oldest daughter about everything I wear, usually she says "Oh God Mother, you've got to be kidding...can't you see that those shoes aren't even close to being right for those pants????"
{{{{{Christine}}}}}} I wish I could hug you. God Bless You. I am following Pam around tonight and agreeing with her. We just do what we do, we can't undo it. And it really was our best, if we had more ability, we would have used it. Be gentle with yourself Please. Lonny was beautiful.
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