full mooned grief

Full moon out there tonite somewhat hidden eerily by whispy clouds. Lonely in my grief tonite. Listened to the speaker how hard fought/hard won his sobriety. He made it thru to 13 years. He solid in his recovery tonite. Talked of those he knew who died from the disease. Talked quite a bit about his Mother's love, her love for him and how they are today. Thats when the pain welled up and the tears started.

Yesterday a woman who lost her son just a few days after Lonny died, she called me yesterday to tell me sweetly she is thinking of me and of Lonny on the day he died. But no wait its not today its not this week this month it didn't really happen

She got the wrong day. I just keep doing what I can to just live in the day that I didn't go into Sunday cause I was living thru Thursday somehow.

But today its Friday and that is almost over now. I've spent the day clumsily dropping things, hurting my leg running into the machine at the gym, not paying attention to my body its simply not attached I don't care I don't want to feel this. But I do. The pain wells up into my throat and into my face and oh damn here comes the tears and the snot and the release I used to get from crying I can't seem to get anymore. These are not cleansing tears.

And I know this will never be over. This will not ever end. I shall always want a different ending . But I heard it tonite. He said it. God calls those home who cannot stop. Lonny couldn't stop.
And now this new fear every day that I could lose my Nik too. That he tells me more than I should know that he cannot stop. He is better but he doesn't want to stop.

Grief full on and fear for the living. I am simply doomed to cry tonite.
Shit. I have to go do a work thing tomorrow meetinng everyone at the mall expo with puffy face and swollen eyes and they don't know and I can't tell them all I walk around with this inside on a daily basis.

Hell I've lived thru worse than what faces me tomorrow.