Friday finally

Sponsor tells me its an inside job, this being happy or unhappy.
I've tried like hell most all of my life to be happy.
It eludes me.
Program has given me change, gratitude, blessings almost beyond belief and ways to be of service. I've lived thru a horrible divorce, pain of my children striking off on their own 10 hours or more away from me, a move to what often feels like a third world country and the death of my oldest son. Can't seem to get to the happy in happy joyous and free.

And what happens when I am in this comfortable wallowing in shit place? Oh my attitude pushes some away. Who the hell wants to be around a not so sweet Christine? I can't get anyone to like me if I am so not liking myself.
Then I go to the places of no one cares, no one will miss me if I don't show up, I can't I can't I won't

I can make it all about me. Or I can turn it around using the tools so freely given to me. Prayer, sponsor, Steps, being of service, more prayer.

Its not enuff to know that I will be better in April when winter is over. Its not a good excuse or worthwhile blaming. False pride is just as loathsome to me as huge ego. I have proven to myself that I can be rightsized at times. Maybe I can on this Friday, this weekend, this winter. I am a child of God's too.