On a Tuesday

Sometimes I seem to believe that I should be done with grief. Not over it exactly. How in the world do you ever get over losing a child? But that the grief should be less than it is by now. And I suppose it is. Not less but its not present in every moment of every day like it has been. I do even find moments of joy. Especially about Helena. Times with her, times remembering being with her.

I have trouble seeing Lonny as being in a better place or resting peacefully. Yet he was so tortured in life. I knew that for a long time but some of the kids confirmed it after he died. He didn't plan to die but he was so damned self destructive. If he was in that much pain then isn't anywhere else better?

I want so badly to be happy. Joyous and free. Peaceful and able to be calm inside as well as outside. I'm not sure its possible to be this sad and have those others. I seem to function most of the time. Maybe thats enuff for now. I'm still miserable but not as miserable or the same kind of miserable that I used to be. But still miserable. Shit.

If I can just get thru today.