holiday bah humbug

This holiday season holds little joy for me this year. I thought it might be better this year than last but its seeming more painful instead of less painful. I suppose last year I was numb. This year I am not numb. The memories. I didn't know I held pictures in my head but I do. Some of them not so damn pleasant either since I was crazy and didn't know it was Brad's drinking that was affecting me that way. I thought it was me, that he was right about me. But I digress.

If I could just get excited about it for the kids. This time the grandkids. Me with grandkids. Whoa. Wow. Nik & Melanie just want money for their sport/recreation--ski and snowboard. I hate giving money. Neices and nephews. Pictures of all the kids very small and then again as teens or tweens. The last Christmas before the separation and divorce.

CHristmas growing up or anytime, just not my favorite season. Always lack and always fights. Not much joyful in them. So I've been reading aobut how to be a giver instead and I've always wanted to crate new traditions. Not merely new pajamas for Christimas Eve--altho I was so proud that I thought of that one. Of course the boys didn't appreciate it and Brad was often drunk on Christmas eve and hung over for Christmas.

That I tried to make it fun for the boys and I couldn't. And I can't make it fun for me now. I just can't find the ho ho ho except when Helena says ho ho ho when asked, what does Santa say.

And stuck in West Virginia. Oh I suppose I have choices. I could go, I know I could go. But geez what a price to pay.

Soon we'll move. Things are progressing. I can't get excited about moving either. But I'm not depressed either. SO somewhere in between nowhere and empty but not despair. Oh God now this drama is making me nauseous. So back to some work. Something that makes a difference or could...