staying under Friday's umbrella

Car is packed and I'm ready to leave any moment and drive those 5 hours that take me home. Its too too bad and sad that this place I live is still not home. But its not. I do seem to have made a dent in the community here but my heart longs everyday for home. Home. Click my heels three times and there's no place like home there's no place like home.

Its no secret how I got here to WV. My self will got me here. That and I just gotta have a man, a good man and this one is just too good to be true and I can't let 'im get away. Now I seem to do everything in my power to get him to go way or to send me away (with my big mouth not my actions at least I haven't stooped to tactics of long ago days gone by)

I can't wait to see Helena. Nik. Be able to breathe deeply and smell---manure!!! The farmlands, the open fields, the living and growing F L A T______________--land!!!
I'm suffocated by these hills. It was worse when we lived at the lake. At least now we are on the top of a hil and yesterday I could see sky lots and lots of sopen sky space and breathe.

I am not sure about this looking for a stone or memorial for Lonny's grave. I haven't even been able to get myself to go to the cemetary again. My son is in my heart not in the ground. He is soaring free on the wind not buried in a plot of ground. I just never believed in cemetaries and now I sure don't want to believe in them or that my precious first born is there in one.

But Chuck & Leslie's kids have been so dismayed about the lack of a marker. I ought to help search one out. After talking to Nik about it and his suggestion about some kind of natural stone, it spiked my interest for a few moments but now again...

So I thought of Danny, an artist in stone that I hung out with, smoked lots of dope with, and oh dear theres a story about Danny. Last time I saw him, he was with my first husband's next ex wife. Did you get it? Last I saw him he was living with Tara, Chris's second wife-- Oh the webs we weave, huh?

So after traveling memory lane awhile I'm back to the stone memorial and how I want to be a part of the decision (who am I kidding I want to be the one MAKING ALL the decisions--like I didn't get to make about the funeral but that's a resentment left for another day) but I don't want to FEEL any of this pain that comes along with the territory. Damn some days I wish a drink or a drug would work...its not been an option to choose...

But its Friday. The sun is shining even tho its not supposed to be. My car is packed with plants for Leslie but oh no I forgot her chocolate!!! That means no clean sheets--I'll stop somewhere and get some. Easter basket for Helena. My water and power bars stand ready with the AA CD's to listen to (Alanon's generally put me to sleep with their stories but those AA's--they know how to keep me awake!!)

Ready, set, oh its lunchtime! Back Tuesday--you all have a great weekend, ya hear..