Monday morning

Ahhh Monday. I ate badly alot of the weekend. Hit the sugar hard. Real hard. My body hurts when I do that now. My emotions swirl too when I don't eat well. I'm attempting to keep my emotions in check but the tears keep spilling out my eyes.

It started yesterday at church when this wonderful retired minister took over for this Sunday. Oh I hope he fills in a whole lot more. I loved his big booming voice. His message touched me deeply. He talked of loss and sorrow and oh why God why and he talked of how sometimes God does not intervene no matter how many prayers or how strong our desire is to keep someone with us. He talked of 4 women he knew who were hit with tragedy and who in spite of temporarily losing faith in God, went on walking in faith anyway and lives were transformed and some healing did take place.

I want to be like one of those women. I do. But in my heart of hearts I just want God to have intervened and to give my son back to me.

I try so hard to stay out of the self pity and to just keep walking on being of service somewhere anywhere. this grief wells up spills out and I want to go home to bed not work not help anyone not answer the phone nothing

I can't. It doesn't work for me. this works. Being at work,being of service,taking some sponsees luxury problem phone calls and other sponsees hurting painful problems phone calls. Wrapping presents and staying present. Staying with the living. Loving the dead and being grateful for what I have not what I lack.

work. time to get to it.