another Monday

The weekend flew by while we were in the southern part of WV at a contra dance camp weekend. My mind goes blank when I dance and all I think of is dancing. Of course my dance partners or those in the line might not believe that since I often get turned around or lost. But its a relief not to always be thinking, 'my son is dead'

Rustic hardly describes the park area or the cabin. Old, dirty, cold and I hardly complained. Betcha don't believe that one either. But I saw a woman who had a sour, oh so very sour look on her face whenever I saw her, even when she was dancing and I decided that I did not want to look like or be like that. I did a damn good job of it this weekend.

My marriage however still suffers. He withdraws on a regular basis and I just don't have the energy to initiate anything--and I don't mean just sex, I mean the feeling of a relationship that is more than buddies or roommates. I have not lost all my passion for things, I can see that in my wanting to dance, in my program of Alanon. But my marriage lacked spark long before Lonny died. He's a good, laid back and simple man. I'm blessed to have him in my life. I just don't know how to live that way. I don't know how to live without passion.

But I was able to hold back this weekend and only tell 2 people that my son recently died. Oh God I still want to tell everyone as if that would help, that perhaps theres someone who knows a way for me to get him back. To tell me its simply not true, it really is a bad bad dream and we shall all wake up to 1983 or 89 or October 27th 2004 and now we can change the future somehow...

Today I hurt. Oh the pain. I didn't feel it as strongly Sat or most of yesterday. But then I got home and there was a message from Tara and she wants me to call her and I don't know if I can. I don't want to hear more, know more, I know too much already... and I have nothing to give her I can't comfort her i thought I could and maybe I did but it hurts too much for today. I know she hurts too. So many of the kids do--thay hurt. And I want to help them...

He was going to turn 24 the next year when he called me on this birthday. We talked of him getting clean at 24 like I did but he laughed and said no I wouldn't count on it Mom. I wanted him to be clean and sober at 24 not dead, never dead. He always called me on his birthday except this last one. i knew it was bad when he didn't call. Doug said he didn't call him either and that he knew it must be bad for he always called...
I saw him last in April at Nathan's funeral when he said 'I knew you needed to see me Mom, and i did oh God i was so grateful he was alive. He looked so so awful and it was painful to hug him when he was so thin but hug he I could and i did and I did. He never liked it when I cried so I didn't, i just held it in until he drove away again. I never thought for a minute that I'd never ever see him ever again. I always knew he could die, I kept hoping he wouldn't..
Those were some hard hard months for me just waiting and knowing but not knowing and still knowing. Then he finally called in August and we talked of Nik's wedding and of the baby and how he couldn't, he just couldn't and he couldn't tell me why and i knew enuff to not ask.

We were sitting in front of the fire out on the porch when he called for the last time. I didn't know it would be the last time. He told me to save him a place at thanksgiving after I told him Nik would be in WV for Thanksgiving dinner. But Nik called with the news long before Thanksgiving. Two short weeks after Lonny's call when he said I'm good Mom, its all good...

Will that evening Nik called be forever imprinted in my memory? I guess so. And I had just said a prayer for Lonny to be where God wants him to be and then turned on my cell phone to call Deanna. i never ever listen to messages but i did this time and Nik was hysterical and i thought oh my God the baby something happened to the baby never thinking that it was one of my babies, not his.

Will I ever forget?

How do I ever learn to live with this?

Will I ever be able to cope with living for more than an hour or two at a time?

Maybe...if I can keep dancing...maybe
At least I've stopped wanting to die when I'm dancing, only when I'm dancing...