Ma Dukes

Doin' all I can do to enjoy today.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

how'd it get to be Thursday?


A beautiful summer day and I'm inside at work with the shades drawn so I can see the computer screen. I took off Monday cause of the grief and am trying to walk thru the thick glob of grief a day at a time this week. Its been rough.

Monday I tried to control what I could--a bit of the house. I went thru a box of papers & stuff and found a Christmas card from Lonny. It was from when he was kinda strait--not on heroin at the time for a bit of time in 2oo1 or 2002. I tend to keep cards and it was a surprise to see that Lonny had kept cards from the time he was about 6--there was a whole box of them Nik & I found in Mass. Nik said he remembered finding a box of cards in Lonny's room one time and wondered why he kept them. I wonder why I keep them too. But this card was signed I love you always and forever Lonny. But his forever and mine are different now.

The grief lately has been playing with my head. Is it that I am coming out of the shock and numbness and now the reality of he's gone he's really gone is hitting me full smack in the face and heart. But but but I feel like he's still here, still with me sometimes. Its not a very strong sense anymore tho.

Helena is ill and I get so scared of losing her or Nik next. i don't think I could bear it. I know I couldn't bear it. And now a new little one to let enter my heart and life and a part of me wants to keep her out cause I don't know if I have it in me to give any more to anyone. I've seen pictures of her and she looks so precious. Wish I knew how to work this blog better I'd add some pics her Daddy sent me. I am NOT the puter wizard they hired me to be . I'm pretty lucky they keep me here. Hey ! I got one one the blog. Can't seem to move it tho, oh well.

Weekend in Lehigh Valley. $ has been a big issue in my house lately. Resentments on both of our parts. Just not enuff $ for all the places we have to put $ and things we want to do for others. But we keep trying to manage and it would be good if we could move from this house, it gobbles $. So does traveling and and and and

Gotta do some work. Focus. Focus.
Maybe lunch first. Maybe not.
See? Can't even focus on lunch. Its hopeless.
But I'm not.

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home