positive or negative

Ya know I've gotten lots of messages lately about being positive. From friends, thank you Kaycee, from readings and from hearing myself tell sponsees and others that wonderful things are as possible to happen as my negative fantasies. And yet I still find myself sitting somewhere between the YES I CAN! and the oh my God I just can't!

I wish I was inside the way I presented myself in the phone interview on the outsides. Wait a minute! I know better than that--I can't give anything I don't already have.

So the interview went well. I know volunteer management. I am in my element being in charge--typical Alanon that I am huh? I love being able to tell people what to do!! And yet I know, and some others know that is not a correct representation of me of who I am. I am able to see peoples skills and talents and to place them in a task or position that suits them best. And when I am wrong or it doesn't work, I am flexible enuff to be able to bend and change. I loved being able to do it when I was in Monroe.

I have seen some of my dreaams become realities. I am a college graduate now. I graduated just before I turned 50. I didn't believe I was smart enuff but my sponsor nudged and pushed and whatever she does to make me listen and become teachable. I love her. I hate her. She helps me grow. I've also seen some of my worst nightmares become real. I knew from the time he was 17 that Lon could die. After he stopped AA and NA I knew it was most likely. But I have obviously lived thru this mother's worst nightmare of outliving a child.

An AA'er called me for a ride to tonite's open meeting. I've know this woman pretty much since I landed in this town. I've watched her be sober unwillingly, drunk at meetings, gone out again and now back with a look that I've only seen in those who really have had respite from their desire to drink--that spiritual awakening. She looks so soft and clear now. I've always wanted to be her friend but have also stood back or aside because of my inate nature to be 'helpful' to alcoholics in my life. I hope I am in a part of my life and in my recovery to just be a friend with her. She's the one whose grandmother, Sue in Alanon forever and in her 90's sat at an AA anniversary meeting holding her granddaughter's hand while LeeAnn sat next to me reeking of booze. Sue did not lecture her or scold her or or or any of the things untreated Alanons can do. She just sat there holding her hand loving her the best she could. What an inspiration for me--to know this disease could very well get my granddaughter---What a powerful example Sue gave me of how to love with an open hand. And that I have the opportunity to be reminded of that lesson every time I see LeeAnn. Oh I hope to never forget.

A bit longwinded for so early in the morning. I just happen to be grateful today to be alive and to have a today. And for lessons learned that give me a chance to live differently than I ever imagined possible.

Oh, it will be a week and a half before they decide on the 3 people to interview in person. So onto what it is I need to do---just for today.