Mon nite
I am here.
It was weird--I arrived early and could not register for my room. Decided to walk for a bit, tried the mall, bought a blouse--on sale, bright color, very different for me but nice and it fit as a medium--I tend to buy things large to hide--
Still time to walk so around the block I go and it was weird--there was a monument place right here in the middle of town--oh what the hell, I've been talking and thinking about it so I'll go see what is the cost of marker. When he approached me I wasn't sure how to tell him why I was there. He was kind. Suggested I contact the cemetary to find out what are their restricitons and then check with my ex and then go and look for something suitable. We chatted a little about Lonny and there was a stone I really liked with an outdoorsy scene that spoke to me of Lon's love and mine for the outdoors and natural--
I will never understand how he was able to jusify or rationalize putting those drugs and chemicals in his body when he ate and used other stuff on his body so pure and natural-- I will never understand addiction-- or can I-- maybe not-- I was always able to stop why couldn't he-
Well, I let it go for now--I'm doing a conference thing. Getting in pj's and watching tv getting mesmerized for a time. Oh dear--forgot the bonbons!!
I get so many great ideas and get excited during conferences about all the possibilities. Have so much trouble keeping the momentum when I get back to the office. This disaster thing is sooo big and we all really need to take a personal responsibility to be prepared. Then comes the numbness and the oh it won't ever happen here. Even having been in the midst of disaster last year and seeing what happens to people-- But ya know what really stops me? Of course the how will it look to others --will they think I'm silly for asking them to prepare-- how is it we learn to tune out reality and believe it will never happen to me? Oh, denial is not a river in egypt--it is alive and well and serve a a shock absorber for my soul at times.
Now--for the brushing of teeth, settling in and getting numbed in a perfectly acceptable way--
posted by Mama Dukes @ 8:32 PM
1 Comments:
Addiction is so hard to understand. Even as an addict of sorts I cannot explain it to another. All I know is that it calls to me -- when I am at my best, my worst, my happiest, my saddest, it runs in the stream of my blood. I pray to be a survivor from it all, to once be normal.
I am so amazed though thru my hurt, through my pain, thru my success, thru my victories these experiences of meeting others along the way occur.
Here is the way I look at my addictive life:
I am like this puzzle scattered on the table. You help me put the complex peices of my puzzle together little by little thru your love and thru your own personal experiences. Some day I hope to see the entire puzzle put together, for it to be whole.
Thank you for your email this morning. I embrace your concern for my presence.
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