calmer on a Tuesday

I haven't been to the cemetary again since the day we buried him there. I haven't even been able to drive by it on my way into Allentown.

Is he there? I never believed in that kind of thing. Was certain that my Grandma was in my heart and is a spirit, not in the ground inside a vault. So do I believe Lonny is a spirit and is in my heart. And I am so glad I didn't see him lying in a casket that I can have my memories of him as alive and in the pictures I took of him.

There was so much I still wanted to give him... but he couldn't take what we had for him, he had his own ideas of living life. I wonder what he thought of death. Did he ever think he would die at 24? The grief support group talked about young men in their twenties and what a high death rate for that age group.

I thought I was immortal too at that age, invincable and unreachable too...

And now I wonder at my purpose, what is it I am to be doing in this life left? What do I have to give anyone? Who wants whatever it is I have to give? Nik has his new life, his new wife, his baby girl. Harold's girls fon't think of me as anything more than Dad's wife. And he won't let me do foster kids or adopt.

For today I will do the best I can do here at work, go home make dinner, do some laundry sit on the porch and make phone calls and live the today as it is presented.