confused on a Thursday
This is the way we lived:
full to the brim with gratitude and joy one day, wrecked on the rocks the next. Finding the balance between the two was the art and the salvation.
-Elizabeth Berg
I know the grief counseling is good. I know things often get worse before they get better. I have been both joyful and wrecked both in a day-- its exhausting. And there are differences in my program and the counseling and I get confused on what to listen to and what is truly helpful right now. I am scared. I am filled to the brim with the gratitude of the newcomers in my life and for the long timers who seem to love me so. And I am grateful for the counselor who appears so neutral and trustworthy. So much so that it is the first time in therapy I have ever found myself telling the truth.
Just answered the door to UPS and a fragrant box. I could smell it long before I opened it and its organic from CA. Its a wonder full lavender wreath from Lonny's main & true love and all I can do is weep bittersweet tears. I have not been able to be as kind to her as she has been to me. I have not been unkind I know but I have resisted opening my heart fully to her-- I've felt that I have so little or even nothing to give her-- her note says she misses me---Obviously I don't get it. Maybe I've been her connection to what she really misses---Lonny.
I'm sooo grateful to not be in the office today and able to let all this emotion flow.
Bu damn I had such notion I might be productive today. Perhaps this is productive. Oh I'm so scared of my perceptions being distorted. All these feelings all at once and so overwhelming. Gotta go gotta sob
posted by Mama Dukes @ 10:47 AM
6 Comments:
That is a great quote and an even better picture. Too cute!
Christie
http://journals.aol.com/christiexdean/sc-momma/
Hi Christine,
I can't say I could possibly know how you feel but I just read your post and wanted to tell you how touched I am by your honesty.
You sound like you are doing your best , minute by minute,
isn't that the best anyone can do?
Take extra gentle care.
Thank you for sharing ~
maybe what you are really scared of - is healing. Sometimes we get so used to feeling awful that we hold on to the pain with all our might because letting it go feels like letting the memory of someone go too. It doesn't work that way, being healthy means you can remember without feeling like crying. :-)
When I was at Casa last year they encouraged us to cry. They called it "watering your garden." Our gardens need water, sometimes they get dry, wilted, and damaged. But we love them, and water them.
I have seen beautiful vibrant gardens, I have one myself. I can see yours, right now your garden is being showered . . . can you see how pure each drop is?
Hang in, prayers and blessings out to you.
G~
Healing is an incredible journey, but it's all worth it in the end. Keep on keeping on and know someone prayed for you today and sent love your way!
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