Ma Dukes

Doin' all I can do to enjoy today.

Monday, December 11, 2006

home again

Driving "home" to WV I believe I finally accepted or surrendered or something that ok, going back to WV is going home. No longer is going to Allentown going home--I go to visit here.

Linda's party was nice. Calmest inside me I've ever been at her house or at one of her functions. Can't seem to grasp on my insides the member amon member part---I still scream inside that I should get more attention than I receive and believe me I receive plenty--can seem to put down the behaviors that used to get me attention but its still a melt down after the party is over. Progress I suppose but I want perfect!

I sat on Sant's lap--I have a polaroid to prove it! I need to lose at least 50 pounds according to the picture. It was fun to watch all the smiles of the other girls. Some never ever sat on Santa's lap and I'm not sure I ever did---I don't have any pics of that from when I was little. There were 5 of us. With my Dad drinking and my Mom absent I doubt that we did that. I asked to become a great giver but I probably should have asked for socks. Roni was honest and asked for power property and prestige. Wish I could ask for what I want instead of trying to look good. Altho I read in my one meditation book to desire to become great givers and oh I sure do want to be one of those.

Helena adores me and I her. Such love! And Nik is more open lately to communicating. I'm sooo grateful to be able to talk and listen to him again. He's been sooo angry for so long.

Stopped at the cemetary. I've been able to do that the last few times I've been in town. I struggle so when I'm there cause I just don't know why I go or what to do when I am there. Its just still too hard to believe my son is in under the ground there. I pray while I'm there. I cry. Its a good time to cry since I don't seem to do as much of that as I used to do. I kept knowing Lonny is not there but he is in my heart--top of your heart Mom he said-- but I did have a sensation of leaning into him and his holding me close. I wish it were really possible fo him to do that once again. It still hurts so to have him not be here--- I want more than his spirit.
Hard to type and sob

5 Comments:

Blogger Mary Christine said...

I can't even imagine. Thank you for sharing. I wish I could hug you.

9:41 PM EST  
Blogger Unknown said...

Ohhh I want to sit on Santa's lap tooooo! What fun! ~

10:02 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can relate....only my son died before he took his first breath in this life. I am not sure if you ever get over the death of a child, but it does get better year after year. You never forget, but you do heal.

9:48 AM EST  
Blogger Kaycee said...

Ahhh, Chris, you've come such a long long way. I'm glad you're able to go to the cemetary, you're obviously supposed to, even though you're not sure why. Maybe this is what's helping you to have a lighter heart and spirit? Either way, something or someone is pulling you there and it's evidently a good thing...cleansing.
Sorry I'm going to miss you over xmas down there.
BTW: I need yours and Nik's address.
Know that I love you!

9:54 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Santa's lap, how fun is that. Did he have a good beard?

Oh Christine I wish I could take that pain away. I truly cannot imagine what you have lined thru, but thru Lonny's life and yours, others gain gratitude that are struck with the disease.

I love you, and thank you for continuing to share your story and shower your love with others that are in the middle of this battle.

10:50 AM EST  

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