Father'sDay
You know I never once thought of my Dad yesterday. He never called himself an alcoholic and he never seemed to believe that his drinking was a problem. He died when he was 60 alone and unwanted. I didn't have the power of this program at the time and I had lost hope for him many many years before. I kept him from my chiildren, his grandchildren because of his drinking and tendency toward violence. I thought I was protecting my boys. I didn't know until today how I got in the way and probably harmed all of them by keeping them all apart.
I did the same thing, tried to protect my boys from their Dad when he was drinking and his tendency towards violence--I know now his bark was way worse than his bite. I did think of my ex yesterday with some jealousy and competition. Oh well I am still a sickie I know.
My step daughters showed up for their Dad yesterday. I had some jealousy and wondering what is it that is my part in all of these relationships where I feel left out?
Talked to Ardith and went into action for DM. Made a nice lunch for his girls and family, participated in the visit without being miserable or sulking at what I don't have but tried to be of service to him. He is such a good man--later he held me thru my tears, told me I am a good Mom and he thanked me for making lunch.
Went to my home group meeting with the topic of expectations. I continually go to the hardware store for orange juice. Have all my life. I stand there wondering why do I do this and why can't I stop, get all sad and lonely instead of buying the nails that are available and getting to the grocery store next for the OJ.
Besides--its not that no one loves me, its how I see their love, my perception of love. I do know however that I have so much more to give today than ever before and its all about my giving without trying to get where the real rewards are for me.
But look how I am still in yesterday--onto today--
posted by Mama Dukes @ 9:35 AM
3 Comments:
It is interesting how we often try to do the right thing and realize that if we had to do it all over again there may have been a better choice... the thing about that is that many times the ripples from the stone we cast land in places we never expected them to land. Even though there may have been different choices to make, perhaps there is a reason somewhere out there that our choices are what they were 'supposed ' to be.
I really feel your post today. Thanks for sharing.
You know my dad never has admitted he's an alcoholic either and I spent so much of my life trying to get him to say those words until I realized that the words wouldn't make any more of a reality than it already was. I love my dad but I hate his drinking but somehow in my grown up years I've been able to love the parts that I need and leave the rest. :-)
Tough one I know all to well. I often thought I was doing the right thing only to discover I was keeping the secrects alive that I wanted so badly to kill.
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