maudlin monday night now

Its harder to be alone with me than I remembered. A whole quiet day and night by myself and where do I end up? In my head---where else?

And on my call time with my sponsor what do I do? Yup fight--and I don't even know what I'm fighting. I know what my disease tells me--I don't need her, I'm ok, look how well I'm doing oh God I'm so scared

why can't I be alone for a day and not be isolating? why can't I be building a fellowship here in WV without sounding like ego being involved? why won't she leave me alone? oh--not her job to leave me alone. her job to tell me what she hears and to make suggestions that I would make to someone I sponsor in this dark place but do I want to hear it from her? N O OOOO. Geez I'd rather talk to anyone besides her when I'm in this dark place of go away and leave me alone. why can't I spend a day to myself and not get into this line of thinking? I will never be normal. I cannot do what nomal people do.

and now I can't sleep. ugh

well enuff bellyaching maybe another good cry will make me feel worse but on the way to better