tuesday morn
Back to spiritual practices. It works. In my grief meditation book today the message is about mood swings. Boy have I got em. She says even the siants of faith had 'em. Despair and joy. Sunday nites meeting topic was despair/hope. Sponsee his morning says her meeting topic last nite was despair/ gratitude.
Hickman says on this page--though to be a sensitive human being is to be affected by the pain and the joy of life. No need to feel guilt about our low moods.
I get scared of being as depressed as last July-- but I can see how God gave me a way up last year and God will give me a hand up this year as well. The conference is this weekend, I can probably be of service there.
Oh how being of service to sponsee last night made me smile. She want to be an alcoholic instead of an Alanon. I remembered then how I also wanted to be one cause it seemed so much easier, so much clearer. I was doing my 90 in 90 wih an AA sponsor but in the 80 somethingth day I said to someone that I still wasn't sure I still didn't seem to fit--he told me to go out and drink then after asking me ho told me I was an alcoholic--I of course was not really ever a drinker and I didn't have a desire to drink--he suggested that maybe I wasn't an alcoholic. But I sure wanted to be...
Why would it be such hard work to stay in touch with God and His Will for me? Guess today I'll wait for the mood the feelings to pass and see if I can accept the mood swing as a part of the healing process.
I'd much rather be ok all the time, every day... even when I know its not possible to live life that way--I still want life on my terms...
posted by Mama Dukes @ 7:42 AM
4 Comments:
When I was a kid I wanted to be an alcoholic - so I could understand why my father couldn't be the man I wanted him to be. Now that I'm older I just want to be happy and whole. It won't make my father the man I want him to be, but it will let me understand how life really can go on regardless of his choices.
Wanting life on your terms isn't wrong, it's just unrealistic. Besides...if we had it the way we wanted it, how would we ever be more than we are when things are going our way?
I like to use the analogy that our feelings are like helium in a baloon. If we don't allow for that air to escape eventually there is no more room to occupy our spiritual medicine -- hence it/we explode(s)! With guidence the helium can be released, a process is formed, this resulting in the baloon to be exist, floating in the whisps of air . . . free from what can destroy it.
I like to relate this to our spiritual condition. Using the tools allows us to keep our baloon filled to a point where it is free. I hope this makes sense. I love what you write today, so honest -- I understand that desire to want life on your (my) terms.
You are beautiful too, and I am grateful to have your presence here in my recovery.
Wow great post and timely. I coming off an expectation high. They are very dangerous to sobriety.
I am grateful that I am learning to allow myself to be human today.
Sanks for your post~
Post a Comment
<< Home