spirit lags on Monday afternoon

Damn am I sleepy. Have much to do but unable to do much. Was away since Wednesday. First to Martinsburg to visit then to Rehoboth. Too few full nights sleep. Didn't eat too badly. Oh who cares. Wonder why I continue to come here from time to time?

Spoke to sponsor this morning. Often think I'm doing pretty well and then I get her take on what I said and did. This time it was putting down competition for Miles attention with Pop Pop, DIL's Dad. There is no competing with PopPop. So I stopped. Gave attention to Helena and after PopPop left I got lots of Miles attention. Problem is I do envy PopPop and wish I could make Miles light up when he sees me. So now I'll be praying for their relationship to grow and be more wonderful instead of praying for something for myself.

Wish I could work. Wish I could get papers started. Starting is always the hard part.

Went into fantasy about how things might have been--if I hadn't been such a wreck in teen years. Doing what I can to stay in the abundance I do have instead of the lack and what don't have. Funny, just had thought that if I'd gotten married to first love I might be on marriage #4 now. I just don't seem to do marriage well.
This hubby really does love and cherish me. Now you would think this would make me extra happy but where do I go? I go to what a fool he must be to love a loser like me. Time to stop before spirl down any further. Havnt thought this way for awhile.

Ahh, soul tired.

Gold Star Moments

I'm very grateful for many things but there are some Gold Star Moments to each day.
I'm going to see if I can post some each day--or maybe just every once in awhile or maybe just for today hehehehe

1. A sponsee picked up someone to sponsor today--first time ever asked
2. I didn't have to go in to the church today after praying with Kim on the phone
3. Nik sent video of Miles to me on FB
4 realization that I don't have to prove anything or rally support or badmouth someone who is treating me badly. Someone like that--true colors come thru eventually

Its cold and snowy and I wish I were at home. Will go soon

deep and dark December

Its not the dead of winter yet but its grey and wet and yuck I hate winter.
My Mom broke her hip and fell or fell and broke her hip, I'm not sure.
Just got back from seeing her and wondered then if it would be the last time.
She knew me. She has pictures of me all over her room.
Most of my life I didn't think she was capable of loving me and I sure didn't think I could ever love her but these last several years have shown me I can love her today for who she is today. Now, she is still my Mom but the dementia has her a bit nicer than before, less bite. Wonder why I don't get here often anymore? meetings, Travel, work, school, church--its all a bit much right now but tis the season, eh?

a July Monday

Wow, its been so long since I've written here. Feels kinda good.
Lonny would have been 30 this month. I've been pretty unfocused since his birthday--well actually since before his birthday. I meet deadlines but I'm not doing the things as efficiently as I sometimes do. I guess its ok. I suppose I should be accustomed to feeling unfocused but I find it surprises me when it happens.

I was at AA International in San Antonio--can you say wow! Great trip, no meltdowns or fallouts. Went then to Houston to see Cathy--what an easy way to be, such long time friends we are and have always been so accepting of each other. Came home to visit from Leslie then Maggie and I LOVE company! Especially company of people I love their energy. Maggie had Frances with her and it was so nice to see what a good and respectful Mom she is.

Fri & Sat went to WV AA Convention. Surprised just how many people I know--got lots of hugs, great speakers. Dinner at Becky's then lunch ther Sat. Made amends that I needed to make to her--10th Step stuff. She tried to excuse me but I did it for me, its ok she didn't seem to understand. And She didn't seem to feel the need to make amends to me for lying to me but thats ok too, I understand she is justifying what she did. We can be friends. I don't need to be her sponsor or judge her on how she works her program. But I can tell you I don't exactly trust her motives. I just need to kee an eye on my own.

Haven't done the Step work writing asked of me about my marriage. I do not want to examine anything too closely. Figure nothing will change. Not a good reason to not take the action and do the work.

Speaking of work--I should be doing some.

relief

I am so relieved. Attended my last district meeting for at least the next 3 years. I did not stand for any office or chair/coordinator. I will be on committees as a worker bee. And then at the end of the meeting, we held hands and I was all prepared to say the Lord's prayer when they recited something I didn't know. Not any Al Anon I know...well, its just as well I'm outa there.

Who knows where I'll even be in 3 years. We are searching for a place we can afford to live with a rail trail that is beyon these f--king mountains. I asked how come he is on board with moving outa Fairmont and he said he knows I've done my best here and its his turn.

We'll see. Lots can happen in 3 years.

birthdays

I didn't go to Janet's birthday party. My out loud reasons were that it is at his ex wife's house with his ex wife's family and I am uncomfortable. I even was believing it myself until I was alone in the house, cleaning the kitchen which doesn't engage my mind with the tasks.

Then it hit me. And out started pouring my resentment. I have been here in WV for how many years? And how many birthdays has anyone else around here other than my darling hubby paid attention to? How many parties have I given for him? FOr my step daughter? And how many cards, presents or even phone calls have they made to or for me? And who had a birthday just this week without a card, phone call or present from her son or step daughters?

Ahhh...it does hurt. But I don't have to dwell there any longer. I can let it go. I don't need to condemn, criticize or look for a revenge. I can write about it here. I can pray for them. I can pray for me to be the parent God wants me to be.

And I can take a look at all the times I have been selfish and self centered in my life when it came to my parents and grandparents. I don't believe this is a payback for those times. Its just a see, its how young people are who are busy living thier own lives.

Its just how it is. Instead of how I'd like it to be.

on a Saturday afternoon

Yesterday evening I returned a call from the 1st. She had called for a ride to the Friday night speaker meeting from New Beginnings 1/2 way house. I asked if she needed a ride tonite and she said can I take 3 ot them? Turned out to be 4 when I got over there with my ID, registration and insurance. I have room, all wheel drive AND snow tires so no problem--

Doors locked and no lights when we got to the meeting. They suggested they go to the NA meeting over by the house. They invited me to come along. I've never been to an NA meeting before. Ever. Oh man was it rough for me. They read from their book, the first chapter and I heard my son's disease. I looked around the room. OMG they are so young Lord. And I'm the only non addict in the room. What can I do? How can I help them? WHy am I here tonite? How can I get out of here so I don't start sobbing?

Oh, now I am hearing about me and my disease as they open the meeting to anyone who wants to share. One young woman who is going all the way back to the beginning even tho she didn't slip by using but her behaviors have slipped and she knows she is in trouble. A young man just back in meetings after yet another detox visit saying he knows what happened, he got complacent and thought he didn't need to go to more than a meeting or two a week since he's been clean a couple years and his life is on track. The he thought he could use a little...but of course he couldn't just use a little.

So seems I heard what I need to hear. I need to get back to the things I used to do that worked and stop thinking my life is so good and I really don't need to alwys pray on my knees, or call any newcomers( not that we have many) or call any old timers while my sponsor is out of town and touch, or read my books or make up a meeting since I missed mine or go looking bery hard for a meeting while I am out of town.

Back to the beginning so I don't have to go back to the life I used to have instead of the life I have today.

getting back here

Wow what an adventure to find this blog again. I don't know who you are Anonymous who is encouraging me to write again. I quit for 2 reasons. 1 because I was weary of sounding so self centered 2 because I found facebook.

But I'll consider your suggestion--and I would love to knwo who you are.
thanks