Monday Monday

I have a whole new week to fuck up in. Ready set go go go

I do not want God's Will or anyone elses today. I want what I want. I wannt both my boys to be alive, happy healthy and free and to be with me. I can't have it. I'm going to go eat worms.

Grief I read can come like fresh grief even after some time of I think I'm doing well-- well with the grief cause I'm still sicker than most and get the idea that I'm not. But this awfuler refreshed grief is getting me down lower than I've been since I went to help after KAtrina and I'm real scared it could take me out or somewhere that I don't want to go right now. But I can't seem to let it get me to me knees or onto the phone. I once again can only see one solution--to cut n run.

My disease wants me dead. I heard it last nite when I couldn't ask him to put down his book and gather me up in his arms for comfort. I heard my head ask what is the point of living anyhow. I was frightened of the answer.

Rosie said last nite if I had some Irish in me--not just the German & English then maybe I could lighten up. Oh how I wish it were that easy. If I were DM I wouldn't have talked to me this morning either. I hope I can remember what I've said so often to others--those hardest to love need the most love. I am armed to keep it out.
MAn I'll do anything not to change. The messages lately have been 'connection'. Me the rebel the fighter takes a stance and disconnects instead. I am so weary of me, my stuff. My fight. Just when I thought I'd given it up---instead of giving me up. There I go thinkin again.

Contrary actions--full days work for a full days pay--ready set go go go